Your victim will 'enjoy' a pumpkin... custardy on the inside, deceitfully firm on the outside...
delivered... hot if you like... to your chosen target: a front door, car windshield, dresser drawer.
THE BASIC GOURD: $30
DELIVERY CHARGE: $65 (+ .50 cents per mile over 15 miles)
($50 each. Does not include delivery. Availability of some ingredients seasonal. Please call ahead.)
THE HUMBOLDT HONEY
Rotted organic fermented cabbage, blackened mildewed growhouse trimmings,
accompanied by free range meat-fed maggots, dribbled with aged bong water,
encased in an organic heirloom South American pumpkin.
Fetid feta cheese, fermented kalamata olives, putrified spinach and a very dead fish (salmon not available). Aged in a coffin.
(Note: Horse heads not available. This package requires maximum velocity to achieve full effect upon delivery.) R.I.P.!
Robust canine excrement, from meat-fed rottweilers, aged in an oak barrel, loaded with wild onions and smothered with chicken liver gravy.
THE FLAMING FLOOZY
(For the cheating Ex)
Our special blend of advanced legumes: Black beans, fava beans and lentils.
Aged to sweltering perfection, topped with limburger cheese,
doused with Bacardi 151 and ignited just before the launch. (Quite a show at night!)
THE GREENIE MEANIE
(For those concerned about the environmental impact of their revenge)
A "Cinderella" (Rouge Vif d'Etampes) heirloom pumpkin filled with the
highest quality certified organic manure soaked in fish emulsion.
Delivered via the Madame's new hybrid vehicle.
Below left: Madame Vendetta takes great pride on the careful aging of her pumpkins.
Below middle: Madame Vendetta only uses the freshest excrement.
Below left: Madame Vendetta demonstrates the careful arrangement of pumpkin acoutrements.
CREATE YOUR OWN
(Some items seasonably available)
Take our basic gourd ($30) and choose toppings or accoutrements ($5 each). Does not include delivery ($65).
Old organic olives
A Classic Stinky Cheese (Chef's choice)
Baby excrement (with or without diaper)
Sewage Sludge (treated or untreated)
Tom cat urine
Used Motor oil
Rum (Bacardi 151)
Gasoline (regular unleaded only)
Road kill (Chef's choice)
Dead fish (Chef's choice. Salmon not available.)
Hardware drawer contents (may include nuts, bolts, screws, nails, pipes, pieces and parts)
Divorce papers [Free if you provide]
Blackmail Photo [Free if you provide]
Supoena [Free if you provide]
Newspaper clipping of engagement or wedding announcement [Free if you provide]
FIRE [only if accompanied by gasoline or rum]